Do you know who your friends are? For most people, it takes years to realize that sometimes the people you thought were your friends really aren't. We get blinded by the fun you have in their presence. The memories that make us smile. The deepest of conversations. And then when it really matters... that's how you know who your true friends are.
Don't spend time on the people who don't care. The signs are usually there. They don't include you in plans. The only reason you happen to think you were friends with them is because there's always that one person in a group who truly cares about you. The others couldn't care less. They're never the one to text first to check in with you when you clearly just say hello and tell them you were thinking about them every once in a while. They fight with you and they use that as a way to never have to talk to again. And then when they do see you they couldn't give a crap to even say hello.
It sucks to know that the people who you opened your heart to just never wanted you to in the first place. It puts a hole in your heart knowing that you spent a year eating lunch with a group of people everyday when you could've been spending it with people who really cared about you. People who actually didn't need to pretend when around you.
Sometimes the only way to recognize this is to go through a separation from them. For me that was college. I knew that going away I wasn't going to talk a majority of people from high school ever again. It just didn't strike me that I wouldn't talk to the people I cared about the most at some point during my high school years. I sometime blame it on myself. I should've tried to stay in touch. I was the one who never called to check in. Yet I blame them too. They never called to see how I was doing. Never made the effort even when I saw them everyday. So why hold on? Why still hope that you could pretend nothing happened and you still were friends with the people you had been in the past?
Why did they not feel like you were a friend in the first place? Were they jealous? Jealous that you were going away from home while most of them were stuck staying nearby. Did they think you were too nice? So nice that they took advantage of it without you knowing. Did they think you were perfect and had no flaws? So perfect and unflawed that once they notice your flaws they couldn't look at you the same way. Could they not handle your maturity? The maturity of someone who didn't feel that it was appropriate to be burping in public and making noises. The maturity of someone who could admit they were wrong and not shy away from a fight to figure out what the problem really is. Or was it that you were neither of those? So unlike that person that they didn't want to have anything to do with them.
There's a part of me that wishes I knew why they never thought I was their friend. A part of me that wants to tell myself that I had known all along and just wanted to deny it. A part of me that just wishes I could move past it and continue to enjoy all the people in my life that I know don't plan on leaving anytime soon. A part of me that wishes I could rewind and fix my mistakes.
But what is done is done. There's no going back. A year wasted on people who don't matter. A wasted year that has taught me not to let go of the friends I know don't need to pretend to like me. The friends who I could leave for months and come back to as if I never left. The friends who I can't leave for months and keep wishing I could go back to them the next day. Those are the people who I have in my life. Those are the people who will not waste another year of my life pretending to be a friend that they aren't.
Hold onto them. And make sure they can't get away.
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